Resilience

January 23, 2016

Resilience

Man, this last chapter in the book by Brené Brown The Gifts of Imperfection has been so eye opening. She talks a lot about what makes a resilient person & how being one is what really helps you live the Wholehearted Life & build Shame Resistance. The first bit of the chapter was great and I was tracking along with it beautifully. Then she got to a section that talks about Hope & I felt myself get a little blue. 

“Hope is not an emotion; it’s a way of thinking, a cognitive process … 

Hope happens when: 

   1) We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go). 

   2) We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible & develop alternative routes (I know how to get there, Im persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment & try again).

   3) We believe in ourselves (I can do this!).” 

She went on to state that “Hopelessness is dangerous bc it leads to feelings of powerlessness. … How do you feel when you believe that you are powerless to change something in your life? … For most of us the inability to effect change is a desperate feeling. We need resilience & hope & a spirit that can carry us through the doubt & fear. We need to believe that we can effect change if we want to live & love with our whole hearts.” 

When I am honest with myself, I read that section in the book & I realize that this. is. me. #1 listed above is pretty easy. I know where I want to go. I believe that I have realistic goals. I don't feel like I am trying to achieve the “perfect person”. I do feel like the person I see as the future Julie is a realistic person and should be attainable. It’s when I get into #’s 2 & 3, that my spirit begins to wane. I often feel stuck on how to achieve that person. I feel as tho trying another thing is just going to end up being like all the other things I have already tried… a dead end. Which segues beautifully into #3 - I do not believe in myself. When I first began to notice certain tendencies, I felt like something was “off”, that something was happening *to* me (hormones, childhood issues, food allergies, situational things) & that in time it would correct itself & I would go back to being the mom I was at first, or the mom I saw myself being. The problem: it never did. Year after year went by & I realized that I was waiting for something that wasn’t coming back. I was waiting for the pregnancy hormones to end, but that wasn't the problem. I was waiting for the kids to sleep through the night, but that wasn't the problem. I was waiting for my kids to get a little older, but that wasn't the problem. I was waiting for the kids to get into school, but that wasn't the problem. I was waiting, and waiting, and waiting & before I knew it, 5+ years had gone by & I felt that the person I wanted to be, the mother I wanted to be to my kids & for my husband, was not there. I felt like these vital years were slipping away & I was still a cranky, short tempered, overwhelmed, angry, boring, rigid mother and it was shaping the hearts & lives of my children.  

About 3 years ago I released that I have an addictive personality. My brother got wrapped up into crappy things when he was just 14. It started small, some usual teenage rebellion, smoking, bad attitude, annoying friends. I was a mere 10 at the time, but I could see things unraveling for him. One thing led to the next & I watched my brother spend 15 years making crummy choices. I was newly pregnant with Addie when I saw an Oprah episode about Meth. By the end of the show I was sobbing & I called my dad & told him that Jeff had to be on Meth. At that point my brother was in his mid 20’s and long past the age where my Dad could step in and parentally “handle it”. He & I both knew that this was a battle Jeff would have to get himself out of. Jeff did thankfully get his shniz together & is now married with 2 precious kiddos. If you would have asked me at ANY point which one between the 2 of us would likely struggle with an addictive personality… I would've pointed my finger at my brother. He was the one in the middle of addiction after addiction.  But I am the one with the addictive tendencies. My brother was able to walk away from all those crappy things… just. like. that. He didn't even have a problem saying, “alright, cool, I’m done with that stage in my life” & just move along. Cigarettes were probably the hardest thing for his body to let go of… and he had a massive heart attack help him with that one (he survived!). 

Here I am, learning from my brothers bad choices & thankfully staying clear from the drug world… but struggling with addictions just the same. I love this quote from this chapter, “Hi. My name is Brené, and today I’d like to deal with vulnerability and uncertainty with an apple fritter, a beer, a cigarette and spending 7 hours on Facebook”.  This is me. I have known since just after Ella was born, that I have an addiction to screens. I have good seasons & bad seasons with it, but something I have never conquered. “Addiction can be described as chronically or compulsively numbing to take the edge off of feelings. … Most of us engage in behaviors (consciously or not) that help us numb and take the edge off of vulnerability, pain, and discomfort”.  I run to my phone to play a game, check FB, text people, read the news, log onto Instagram, play around with photos, “window shop”, etc. You name it, I will find a reason to use it, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed, tired, chaotic, stressed, maxed out, annoyed, etc. It is my coping mechanism… my addiction. I chronically & compulsively go to my phone to numb & self soothe through the hardships in life. What accompanies this behavior… guilt. 

“The question is, does our [eating, drinking, spending, gambling, saving the world, gossiping, perfectionism, phone] get in the way of our authenticity? Does it stop us from being emotionally honest & setting boundaries and feeling like were enough? … Are we using it to hide or escape from the reality of our lives?”  The answer for me is a resounding YES. Brené ends this chapter with this bit of advice, “Whether we are overcoming adversity, surviving trauma, or dealing with stress & anxiety, having a sense of purpose, meaning and perspective in our lives allows us to develop understanding and move forward. Without these things it is easy to lose hope, numb our emotions, or become overwhelmed by our circumstances. We feel reduced, less capable, and lost in the face of struggle. 

I dont have answers yet… but this chapter has left me feeling convicted and ready for change. I need to gain a sense of purpose, meaning & perspective in my life and have the strength (one of my 3 words for this year! ;)) to walk away from my addictions & set some boundaries for myself - for the betterment of everyone & myself. 

Start by Starting

It's been way too long since I have written here! Tucker & I have decided to make writing (for me) & speaking (for him) bigger priorities in 2016. So, here is a little writing I did earlier today. Enjoy! :)

Start by Starting

Grounded.  Depth.  Strength.  

During our outing for New Years Eve Tucker asked me, as he always does this time each year, about what the new year would look like for our family. He had recently read something from Chris Brogan called My 3 Words. In this, Tucker was inspired not to plan “resolutions” or even “goals” but to instead adopt Chris’ philosophy & carefully choose 3 words to guide us individually throughout the coming year. (You can check more out about Chris’ 3 words concept at http://chrisbrogan.com/3-words-2015/). 

I have been thinking a lot about this since NYE & have come up with 3 words that I would like to be my “trajectory words” for the year. I don't want to create a '5 step plan' on how to achieve these, because I think that goes against the whole point. I want to meditate on these daily, base my decisions & choices during the days/weeks/months on them. I want them to serve as my focal point ahead, keeping me on track, but these words will not be things that I will ever fully “arrive” to by the years end. 

I chose these 3 words for a handful of reasons, and I will explain each below: 

Grounded: I wrestled with this word a lot. At first I thought I was going to choose Centered as my word, but the more I said that word in my head, I realized that I didn't like the connotation or the ‘action’ within myself that that word invites. I don't want to be internal (I do plenty of that). I don't want to be self focused or ego-centric. I felt like Centered implied both of those things & didn't fully grasp what I was longing for. I thought about what other things Centered meant to me, & why I was leaning towards it originally. The word Grounded rang out in my head & I rattled it around for a while making sure it fit more closely to what I was longing for, and it totally does. Life as a busy, now homeschooling, mom to 4 little kiddos can leave me feeling discombobulated, pulled too many directions at once, chaotic, stressed & a on the brink of insanity more often than I care to admit. In 2016 I long to feel grounded amidst the storm. I long to develop things in my daily life (meditation, stretching, yoga, quiet times, etc) which allow me to ground myself when needed. To feel rooted to something stable, strong, secure & peaceful. I want to feel grounded emotionally, spiritually & physically in this coming year. Again, I don't have a “how-to” for this, I just want this word to guide my actions & choices throughout this year. 

Depth: Depth was an interesting word for me choose. I am reading a book right now by Brené Brown. She has a PhD in psychology & has spent her career researching & studying Shame, Guilt & Pain. (what a work to devote your life to, isn't it?!) The book I am reading of hers is called The Gifts of Imperfection. I have felt in many ways that she is speaking directly to me in this book. The premise so far is accepting yourself for who you are. It’s learning to find yourself worthy, even in your faults, failures & imperfections. This book has left me feeling vulnerable, introspective & contemplative. I had a situation this past week with some friends where I felt a little out of place. I felt “different” & instead of feeling ok with those differences, as I have been many times in the past, I think bc of what this book is bringing to the surface for me, I felt “less than” & “boring” this time. The word Depth arrived as one of my words really rooted in insecurity at first. Admittedly, I defensively felt I *needed* this word bc I felt weak and shallow & I wanted to grow out of that weakness this year. After I was able to mentally process how I was feeling & remind myself that I am not shallow or weak, I chose to still keep Depth as one of words because I want to achieve a personal depth. I want to deeply accept my shortcomings (not take pride in them, mind you, just accept them), I want to deeply know interesting things & read more books to learn those things. I want to deeply connect in my walk with God & feel his acceptance of me & understand the intricacies of his craftsmanship of me. I want to deeply connect with my husband & children. I want to deeply connect with my life. Depth is a challenging but wonderful “trajectory-word” for 2016 for me. 

Strength: My last word for 2016 is Strength. 2015 was hard year for me physically. In Nov of 2014 I was in the best shape I had been in since having kids. I spent the better part of 2014 learning how to train myself to run. I ran a handful of 5ks, then a 10k, & my big goal was to run a half marathon. I began training for that in the summer of 2014. By Nov when my half arrived, I was the thinnest, strongest, most confident in my skin than I had been in a long long time. It felt so good to not pass by a mirror & think negative thoughts about the reflections that stared back at me. It felt good to slip into my clothes & not have my first thought be about the rolls that were hanging out over one part or another. It felt nice to feel toned & strong & to carry the confidence that comes with that. However, running is not for me. I proudly ran my half & felt so accomplished that I set that goal & achieved it. It was not easy & I probably will not run another half for a long time. I do not feel built for running (if that's a thing). I felt aged while training for my half. My joints ached, my back hurt, things creaked & popped in places they once hadn't. I just felt like it was taking a toll on my joints that I didn't enjoy. So after I ran my half, I decided to cut way back on running & to workout in other ways, & be mindful of my diet, so that I could at least maintain the place I had reached physically. It became quickly apparent that this was not going to be the case. As the months went on, I still worked out at the gym, I started more weight oriented things & some yoga & I tried to eat clean & healthy  (for the most part), but I watched hopelessly as the toned body I had, slipped away month by month. I let the deflated feeling I had about this dictate my motivation & I soon stopped working out much at all, feeling an angry “whats the point” feeling. This all may sounds dramatic & trivial, but having struggled with body-image issues since high school, it’s a reality I face daily. I chose Strength as my 3rd word for 2016 for many reasons. I follow @Strength_&_Focus on Instagram & she is inspirational not only from a physically strong place, but mentally & emotionally as well. She has a deep testimony & speaks often of “creating your own calm” & the power of your mind. I am motivated by her & chose the word Strength bc of it. While I do want to work on my physical strength this year, I more importantly want to find strength within my mind. I want to train my thoughts, to “exercise” the internal monologue in my head & train it to stop with the negative talk. I want to find strength to love my body as it is currently. A body that is not perfect, that has carried & delivered (in one fashion or another) 9 babies! A body that has been cut open & sewn shut more than once, it has nursed 4 babies for a year each. It has served me well these 33 years & I want to respect that. Strength is my final “trajectory-word” for 2016 bc I long to grow in my overall strength of self. 

What are your 3 words for 2016? I would love to hear if anyone is moved by this idea of choosing guide words for the year rather than goals or resolutions. 

Random Tid-bits

1) I wish I could capture the times that I feel on top of my game. I wish I could store whatever it is that makes some weeks SO MUCH better than the previous few and hold onto it for when the rough times hit again. I wish that I could identify a pattern between the good & the bad so that I may be able to ward off the rough times more, or at least get out of them quicker.

This last week I have been feeling better, acting better, speaking kinder, & generally feeling more confident in myself. I have had my "moments", but I'll take generally happy with a touch of angry over mostly crabby a.n.y.d.a.y.

2) I love living in a big city. I didnt think that I would enjoy it as much as I do, but there is something about living in a place with so much density that is just really fun! There are always people, at just about EVERYWHERE you look. So many restaurants are buzzing with people engaging in conversation together. There are so many parks where kids & families are gathered playing or picnicking. There are so many trails where people - no matter the weather - are out exercising. You never are alone. You hardly ever show up to something & are the only one there. While being around so many people has its challenges (think a MILLION -literally- people who will be at the National Mall on Friday for fireworks!), I find that I love the perks of it so much more than the inconveniences.

3) It is HOT. Holy freaking smokes... HOT. ... and its not even the "hot month" yet! Lord help me, I think I might melt.

4) I am coming back to visit my family/friends in CO at the end of Aug - BY MYSELF!  #awesome


Lastly- but not least-

5) I married up! I have the most amazing husband in the world. He is an honorable person who truly & deeply loves his family. He is teachable & open to change. I hardly feel like he would dig his heels in so deep that he would be unreachable & I realize what I blessing this is. I struggle a lot with feeling like I cant possibly be for him what he is for me and our children. I do not want to let him down as a wife and mother. I feel relieved that he is raising our children with me, bc I honestly believe that he has got it right & that even if we get it "wrong" in some areas in our parenting choices - we win still bc of the kind of man he is. I remember just over a decade ago when he came to me after we had broken up about 6 months earlier & he asked me for a second chance. Humbly he took responsibility for so much of the directionlessness in our previous relationship & he vowed to be a better man; someone who led the relationship & stepped up, not just a boy, but a man and even though he was so young - he was never the same again & I have reaped the rewards from that for 10 years. I am so blessed to have him in my life. For better or worse he has stuck in this relationship, leading first in the changes that needed to be made & teaching me a better way to love. He has changed me for the better.

A couple funnies. :)

Recently I found a couple things particularly amusing while driving around DC/Arlington:

1.  I saw a car that was DECKED out in Dallas Cowboys paraphernalia. It naturally caught my eye, bc I have grown up in a house where the Dallas Cowboys are *the* team for my family. My brother & my father (plus all of my extended family) are diehard Cowboys fans. My eye darted over to see this car with all its decals, window stickers & window flags, bumper stickers, license plate covers, etc. They were loudly showcasing their obvious favorite sports team.  I felt this endearing warmth wash over me as I got closer to this little "taste of home" that I was passing by. Then as I got closer to it on the highway, I noticed that the back of the car was COVERED in bumper stickers showing their love for Obama. There were stickers from each election plus many touting their pride of being a democrat & their distaste for republicans. I could not help but literally laugh out loud over how much of an oxymoron that was! Hahaha. Definitely a first for me seeing someone who was a Democrat and a Dallas Cowboys fan!

2. The other thing that I thought was particularly amusing, especially growing up in Monument CO (shout out to my motown peeps ;)) was while listening to the local radio station here, the big announcement of the hour was that a bear was on the loose in an area in the burbs & it had everyone feeling rather unsettled. The gal over the radio cautiously warned everyone to get indoors bc "Yikes! There is a bear out there. A real live bear!". Yes, that is pretty much how she said it, too. It made me realize how much of a Colorado girl I am. It seemed strange to me that hearing of a "real" bear roaming around neighborhoods here is not common at all. I remember in high school when a family of bears roamed around Monument for a week or two. My dad & I one night watched one rummage through our neighbors trashcan outside. Many days later a handful of families in our neighborhood were out walking around many yards back from the mom & young cubs just watching them as they nonchalantly moseyed around the area. I know that it's not necessarily "common" to have bears roaming around, but I thought it was funny the way the lady over the radio talked about the bear here bc in CO we really do run into more wildlife & it's much more "normal". :)

Anyway, just thought I would share a couple amusing things that are a little *different* about life in DC. :)

Not Sure Where to Begin...

I feel the itch to write something down, but Im just not sure where to begin. I feel like I am going through a personal storm & I am not quite sure how to weather it. Unfortunately, it is the kind of personal storm that seems to bleed over into everyone else around me too & subsequently becomes their personal storm. Case in point: Tucker. I can tell that he is being negatively affected by this & doesn't know how to deal with it any better than I do.  This seems to have created a downward cyclical effect. Picture it: I am wrestling internally & in a funk emotionally, this in turn means that I act "off" outwardly. Tucker begins to treat me & interact with me differently while maneuvering around & trying to balance my "off-ness".  Inadvertently this adds to mountain of the insecurity I am struggling with, resulting in me seeming even more "off" than I already was. Tucker responds to my "off-ness" & I respond to the way he interacts with me... etc... etc... etc...

For the last few days I have been wondering which is the chicken & which is the egg! Am I acting off at 'this' moment bc I sense the tension between us, or am I acting off at 'that' moment bc of the things I am wrestling with as a woman & a mom? It has begun to all blur together at this point.  I'm not sure how to stop it either.

I know that if I can fight & win over this internal battle that I am going through, then logically it would make sense that I would not be acting in a way that would lead Tucker to over compensate for my emotional fragile-ness of late. The one problem I see with this is that I am not sure how long I am going to be wrestling with this murky mess going on inside of me right now.

Things like,

"Do I have what it takes to be a truly good mom?"
"What if I fail & things get screwed up because of me?"
"What if I cant get past some of these things?"
"How my children are being affected by me wrestling with my demons?"
"What if I spend my whole life trying to change & still not changing?"
"What if I am blind to the fact that it is not that I cant change, but really it's that I just wasn't willing?"
"Will I realize it if the above question is what is going on?"
"Are all my struggles rooted in selfishness?"
"Is the above answer that simple? And if so, why is it SO hard?"
"Am I the only mother who struggles with the things that I do, to the degree that I do?"
"Do other moms feel deep down some of the things that I feel?"

Do they feel like they are not cut out for this? That they are in over their heads head? That no one person was meant to carry this much stress at one time? That they are doing this "all wrong" & that their kids are suffering on behalf of their actions or inactions? That they am damaging their little children's spirits by wrestling with their crap even YEARS after they began trying to change. Do they wonder who they have become & where did the woman they once were before mothering took its toll, disappear to? Do they ever feel like their kids bring out the worst in them?

I don't want to feel these things anymore & I don't want to face these hard questions on a regular basis anymore. I don't want to waste my children's entire childhood fighting the same crap, & them suffering bc of it. I want to be able to look back on this time in my life & say, "Im so glad the Lord brought me out of that place." "I am so glad that I am not that person anymore." I don't want to be apologizing to my kids for still suffering with the same thorn that I did when they were 7, 5, 3, and 1. I want them to see change in their mama. I want them to know that I wrestled & I fought & I WON over this battle of "self" in my life. I want them to know that I chose obedience over selfishness; that I chose them over me. That I chose to take a stand against my flesh and that I chose to be a gentle mother; one of grace & strength. I want to be proud of who I am as a person, not bogged down by shame & failure. I want my children to be proud of who I am as their mother & feel like I was a good example to them of what a godly woman looks like & what a mother treats her children like. Currently I am not proud of those things.

I want to change, but I just don't know where to begin & how to actually, tangibly DO it (the action, not just the heart). I feel myself wrestling with this on a daily basis and very much praying for the day to soon arrive when this battle at least, is won.

Small Family vrs Large Family

I have come to the conclusion that coming from a small family & then having a large one, is more complicated than I realized it would be. There are many little things that I never would've expected that I feel simply bc I only had one older sibling growing up and I was raised in a quiet home.

Being a mommy of 4 little kids close together has is own set of challenges that any mother, from any upbringing would find difficult (I mean, isn't that just motherhood, really!), but I'm realizing that some things that are very difficult for me are in large part difficult bc I simply haven't had to ever really *deal* with this kind of environment before!

I am just under 4 years younger than my brother. I have always deeply loved my brother, but we walked 2 very different paths growing up. Thankfully in our adult life we have become friends more so than in our teen/young adult years; our age gap & being opposite genders didn't help aid the situation much. Most of my memories of playing with my brother are from when we were pretty young, which made the rest of my growing up years even *more* quiet than they already would've been from just having 1 sibling.

I'm seriously not used to the bustle of a large family. I'm not used to so many voices vying for their own moment to be heard. I'm not use to the collective sound of their voices in unison as they play, laugh, whine & fight. I'm not used to so many little feet running around the house (or myself!) at the same time. I'm not used to the mess, the clutter, the dirt & the grime of a large family. I'm not used to putting something down & having 10 other hands equally responsible for moving said thing to a now unknown location. I am not used to having to share my space, my food, my time, or my head-space to this degree before.

I'm not saying that it's easy for someone who came from a large family to be a mom to many kids; being a mommy is just challenging; but I am beginning to see that the anxiety & stress that I deal with on a daily basis is in large part bc I simply have not had any previous experience in this realm. I did not have to fight for my place, my food, my space, or my words with a handful of other siblings. I did not learn how to flow with the chaos of a lot of people living under one roof.

And I am really really feeling it lately.

I feel "thin" and raw right now. Crying has become a *daily* habit (I kid you not).  It's one of the ways I seem to handle life when I feel overwhelmed or under-qualified.  I wish I could say that this crying happens as I sit & process the day; that I "let it all out" to refresh for the next day... Nope! This crying happens in the middle of the most stressful time of the day (usually evening while cooking dinner), often shortly after I have made a complete fool of myself (again) in front of my children by acting less mature than they! It's usually a defeated cry, one that has me hunched over (oven mits in my hand), leaning against the kitchen wall....sobbing. It's the cry that silently screams, "I give up...where is my white flag?".

My crying drowns out the chaos for just a moment:
-the giant mess the kids just made all over the clean floor
-the dinner cooking in 3 different locations around the kitchen
-the 1 year old crying at my feet
-the text from the neighbor saying my kids are too loud
-the text from Tucker saying that he's running late
-3 voices in unison asking me yet another set of questions or whines on top of the 1 year old who is still crying at my feet.
-the...the...the...

I throw in the proverbial towel for a moment & I cry. I wish for a lot of things while I cry (mostly perfectionist, whiney things); & I pray. I pray for grace for myself and mercy for my kids, that they would not be as negatively affected by my multitude of weaknesses, as I often fear they could be.

After I have cried for a moment, I apologize to the kids for acting like an idiot, answer their questions, pick up the 1 year old, reply to the texts, delegate the clean-up jobs for the mess on the floor, finish cooking the dinner..... & pour myself a large glass of wine. :)

By the time my kids are grown & out of the house, I'm really going to have this large family stuff down pat. I'll just look at the bright side, at least I gave them a head start on being accustomed to chaos, noise & stress! ;)

Learning From Someone Else.

June 15 2014

I ran across a blog from a friend of a friend today. I know who this person is, but she wouldn't know me at all. Her husband passed away unexpectedly about 1.5 years ago. The reason this hit so close to home for me back then was bc I knew who she was through MOPS & also I had bumped into her & her husband at church just a week or two before his death. It was so sad to me to think that the man who I had just bumped into (literally! oops) was now gone. They had 2 young biological kids & had only recently adopted a little girl from Ethiopia. It broke my heart that the young father (33, I believe) was gone & she was left to raise these kids & try to help the learn life without their daddy. Im not sure that I realized back then that she was keeping a blog, but I stumbled upon it today.

I spent the entirety of nap time going through the last 1.5 year of her blog posts. I cried hard, laughed & giggled, teared up some more, smiled & just felt overall connected to this young moms story. Her blogs were open, honest & real. They were her thoughts from day to day of dealing with life now that her husband was gone. I felt inspired by her words & the way she just used this blog to share what was going on with her heart & her life.

I really feel like it was a good example of the kind of blogging I have been looking to do, and feeling stuck doing. It's like I needed someone to just show me what a blog thats just "thoughts" really looks like. It wasnt always perfectly edited, it wasnt always perfectly put together, sometimes she just rambled on a little bit about this tangent or that tangent... yet it was all interesting, enlightening & kept my attention going. It showed me that I dont have to think about how it all comes together when I blog either, I dont have to have "a point" to every post. It can simply bc a place where I write down things Im going through. No pressure.

You'd think that would've been an easy concept to get around my head, but I tend to be a learn-by-example type of person, & sometimes it takes just SEEING it to really help it "click". So thank you, Holly, for your vulnerable blog, chronicling your long 1.5 year journey of learning to live this life you never expected would be yours & letting me (& everyone else) to be touched by your story.